May. 20th, 2011

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The last year was rough for me; a whole lot of questioning happened, and there was so much doubt and anxiety. Along the way, somehow, things were decided. I've moved myself to North Dakota. I'm beginning a crew chief job next Monday. I've effectively abandoned a Ph.D. at this moment (Though the possibility of it in the future remains).

This is a terribly frightening endeavor; the future is not ensured in any way, and I've moved away from my comfort zone in almost all ways. My greater fear is that I'll get myself into a bad situation that I cannot get myself out of. I need to remember that I have a safety net, that I have family, that I am resourceful and capable. What I need to remember is that the future is likely to hold as many good things as bad and that the ratio of these things isn't set in stone.

I've always thought that my happiness is linked heavily to place. And I got happier and happier, I loved the places more and more, the further west I went. It is counter intuitive to me to now be going east, relative to the rest. I need to learn how to be happy here, I need to figure out how to live as a person who is not a student-up until now, STUDENT has been my occupation and my aspiration, and to a great degree, my identity.

I don't know exactly how to move beyond that. I'm terrified that I don't HAVE anything beyond that to move towards.


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July 2013

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